Know the Score

Never go to sleep angry.

                            Have every fight naked.

                                                       There's a shoe for every foot.

We've all heard countless platitudes for having a happy relationship.  And, for the most part, we can see the value in them.  I mean, who can be mad at the person standing in front of them with their Virginia and Pennsylvania hanging out?!

But one I've never understood is "Don't Keep Score."  I mean, how would you even know what to do when you wake up in the morning if you didn't have a running tally of where you stood on the relationship scoreboard?  Did you get up with the baby yesterday and so today you can get in the shower first or are you on diaper duty because last night he did the dishes and bath time?  Do you get to eat breakfast at the table while reading emails or did he bring the garbage out last night so you better put the dishes away before he gains a lead on you?  Keeping score is the only reasonable way to manage expectations in a relationship, otherwise I'm just gonna take full advantage and spend my time on the couch eating bon bons and leave the cleaning to someone who cares.  It would be anarchy!

The math starts to get a little murky though once kids are introduced to the equation.  Where before you could use a simple equation:

1 viewing of The Notebook = 1 viewing of a March Madness Game Tie Game

or
 

Poker night + Horrible smell in the house __________________________ manicure while hired maids clean Score's even

With the kid variable though, things become more complicated:
 

1 night time feeding = X getting up with the baby early = Y Dino Dan episodes with the kid= Z 1 night time feeding > getting up with the baby early getting up with the baby early > 2 x Dino Dan episodes with the kid Given that X is a constant, who gets to go to the gym?

Plus in this game, you have to take into account points won or lost through foul play:
 

2 points for excellent mother’s day brunch = Team Husband +2 Point penalty for mentioning forgotten-about diet =Team Husband -1 Flag on the play for retaliating with a comment about balding: Team Wife -2 2 game suspension for flirting with teen mom on the omelet line =Team Husband -18 2 - 1 + (-2) + (-18) = Game over, wife wins right to drink wine all night and “friend” ex-boyfriends on Facebook

Or changes due to inclement weather:
 

Game called on account of someone just got peed on

And so it is, even the best relationships can find themselves on an unbalanced playing field sometimes.

Recently a friend of mine was in an argument with her husband.  Because of late nights at the office, terrible twos (minus one year) at home, yadda yadda; the marital playing field had become uneven and neither knew who was ahead.  This is a dangerous time, a time when players go for a hail mary, start throwing elbows, punching below the belt, all in the name of getting a clear advantage.  It can be volatile. It's a time when things like this are said:

You sure do complain a lot for someone who never has to work ever.

A play so big, so outrageous, so clearly a bad idea, begs for a little Monday Morning Quarterbacking.  As the wife of an MVP in the game of "Probably Shouldn't Have Said That" (see when he live tweeted the birth of our son) and fresh from a recent match up where The Husband decided to watch an episode of "Love it, Or List it" instead of "having a cuddle" I feel well qualified to provide an expert breakdown.  Here we go:

You sure do complain a lot for someone who never has to work ever.

Right out of the gate, the word "You" is a bold move.  It's the verbal equivalent to an accusatory finger-point.  Any SAHM is sure to have her guard - and her dander - up...

You sure do complain a lot for someone who never has to work ever.

Such a poor choice of words.  The proper C-word to use here is “communicate.”  But “complain?”  She’s just trying to get you to empathize, and now you’ve gone and slapped her feelings in the face!

You sure do complain a lot for someone who never has to work ever.

Oh shit…

You sure do complain a lot for someone who never has to work ever.

Ha!  “Someone?”  This one makes me laugh.  The mother of his child is now “someone?”  Just some broad who likes to bitch?  

You sure do complain a lot for someone who never has to work ever.

Whoop, there it is!  The single worst thing you can say to woman in the 21^st Century, let alone a SAHM, as if what she’s doing all day isn’t work.  It’s as if this guy thinks he’s living in Mad Men.   One, you better be John Hamm handsome to drop this bomb.  Two, you better run.  Right now – I’m giving this guy the slow, locker room clap for such a fantastically foolish thing to say. 

You sure do complain a lot for someone who never has to work ever.

I didn’t think it was possible to get worse, but there’s coda at the end of this insult and it’s a tiny word – “ever.”  Did you hear that crack?  That was the earth shattering.    To tag the word “never” with “ever” is not just a game loser, it's a career ender.  Like the kid who twists his knee on the last day of his high school career, it's time to start thinking of a new future. 

My friend was gracious enough not to face-tackle her husband that night, and for that she deserves a championship ring because there is no doubt that in the game of marriage, he forfeited all his points on the field that night.  She's so far ahead, her one year old will be in college before she has to worry about who's turn it is to change the cat litter or who gets to go on a trip to wine country with her friends while the other stays home and single-dad's it.  Her domination of the sport almost makes me long for The Husband to drop his own epic failure so I can go outlet shopping....almost.

Terrible Gifts for Mother's Day

With the world's most important day almost upon us, I would like to take this time to help out any last minute shoppers.  My email box has been stuffed to the e-rim with offers and suggestions from helpful merchants assuring that their product is exactly what mom wants.  But take it from me, please, most of these merchants are wrong.  Really, really wrong.

Big 5 Sporting goods would like you to get the mom in your life running shoes

Do not do this.  "But the mom in my life is super sporty!" you say.  Doesn't matter, this is not the time for you to intimate in any way that she needs to exercise. 

Here's one from Home Depot.

First of all, don't shop for the woman in your life at Home Depot.  It says "I had to pick up caulk and remembered I also had to get you a gift."  Secondly, does the "mom" in this photo look like she's enjoying herself?  Or does this "mom" look like she got a bag of manure for Mother's Day and is now cultivating a batch of pink-blooming hemlock that she will slowly be introducing into your diet? 

Now some of you out there are saying "Come on, of course we won't shop at Big 5 or Home Depot for Mother's Day.  We're not suffering from a brain clot!"  Good, but even the most mom-friendly-seeming of retailers can trip you up.

Tiffany & Co. would never do such a thing, right?!  Anything that comes in the blue box is perfect for mom!  Even if it's a pen?

Nope.  Not if it's a pen.  In the words of Lloyd Dobler "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen?!"  Don't make your mom stand outside your bedroom window with a boombox playing your favorite lullaby that she sang to you no less that 1,407,682 times.  Don't make her do it.

Red Envelope, the bastion of all gifts personal-but-not-too-personal, which is actually perfect for the mother-in-law in your life because you honestly have no idea what she does or doesn't like and it comes in a really nice box, can even trip you up.  But I promise you even if you don't know what she likes, there is no mother-in-law out there who would like a "Thumb Pot."

Even if it's a Turtle Thumb Pot.  "What's a thumb pot" you ask?  Honestly, it doesn't matter.  She doesn't want this.  No one wants this.

Nor does any mom want diarrhea for Mother's Day.  Please cross off your list a brunch at El Torito, a Groupon for 15 Burgers at 5 Guys, or this sausage and cheese box Hickory Farms thinks makes a perfect mother's day gift.

Yes, it's true, at least one time a mom had to like a sausage in a box to get where she is today, but now she's tired, and has a headache, and the kids are still up, and she ran out of wine, so there's no interest in your sausage gift.  Maybe you could give yourself the sausage gift and that would be gift enough.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there.  I wish for you a day of rest, relaxation, and exuhultation.

But if for any reason your husbands or children really screw the pooch this year, feel free to send me a pic or description and I'll be happy to publicly skewer them so they never make this mistake again.

xxoo

It's a Numbers Game

Earlier today I heard a story from a mom friend about how her kid argued with the teacher that 6 and 9 rhyme.  The teacher could not disagree more.  "Six" and "Picks" rhyme.  "Nine" and "Fine" rhyme.  But 6 and 9 do not rhyme.  Her little boy was adamant though.  He wouldn't let it drop and actually ended up disrupting the class.  He explained later to his mom that sure they didn't rhyme in the ear but they rhymed in the eye, just look: 6 9.

My mom friend thought her little boy was quite clever and I couldn't agree more.  I told her I've never understood why numbers are always treated as so stagnant.  I mean, don't we all think about the numbers as friends anyway?  She looked at me blankly.  She had not thought of the numbers this way.  I have always thought of numbers this way, even when I was a little girl.  So I explained it to her.


0 is old.  The oldest number of all of them.  Have you ever heard "first there was nothing"? Well 0 is nothing, so she was first.  Age has given her wisdom and understanding and patience - which is why she goes on forever.  But 0 has had it with the rest of them.  She can't listen to even one more complaint from 1 through 9.

See the problem is 1 through 9 have to spend a lot of time together.  A LOT of time together.  They can't seem to get away from one another.  Try putting just two of them together and eventually you'll see them all there.

1 and 2 are old as well, not as old as 0 of course, but 1 came second and 2 came third and for a while that's all they needed.  They hung out.  They read books and talked about current events.  1 loved sports - always wanting to be #1 after all.  And 2 loved painting and gardening and dancing - it does take 2 to Tango you know.  And what they loved about each other were their differences.  1 was so odd, 2 was so even.  But as is the way with all things together for a long time, 1 and 2 eventually made 3. And 3, as they say, is the magic number because when you just have 0, 1, and 2 well you just have 0, 1, and 2.  But once 3 came to town there was no avoiding everyone else.

3 is social, 3 likes to play.  Whenever 3 was hanging out with 1 he'd always beg to have 4 over too.  When 2 took 3 to look at some art he insisted on bringing 5.  And when they all got together, one way or another, 6 showed up too. 

Now 3 loves 6.  He looks up to her even, after all she's twice his age and seems very grown up.  3 has always kind of wanted to be 6 - she adds herself to herself just so she can look like her.  And 6 thinks 3 has spunk.  She doesn't mind having him around at all.  Why 6 timeses herself with herself just to make sure they can hang out at 36, which pleases 3 to no end!  If it were just 1, 2, 3, and 6 things would be fine.  They'd all get along and 0 wouldn't be so tired of hearing the complaints. 

But the thing is, 4 and 5 have their problems with 3 and 6 respectively. 

Now 1 and 2 made 3 so they'll always love him no matter what but 4 has had to live next to 3 his entire life and frankly he's sick of him.  3 is loud, always talking about how awesome 6 is, and how easy it is to get to 6 and what fun it is to play around with 6, and 4 is just not into it.  4 prefers a quiet, more dignified approach to life.  Give 4 a nice quiet sunset, a good book, and the number 8 and he's good.  4 is a fan of the number 8.  I mean, he respects 2 - if 2 called or asked for a favor from 4 he would totally do it (respect your elders and all), but 4 thinks 8 is magnificent.  It would be an honor to serve 8.  Never once when 8 has asked 4 to double himself up so 8 could could be, has 4 ever said no.  It would be rude frankly, not to mention 4 just truly enjoys 8s company.  8 has seen the world.  He's gone South West, then South East, then West and back North again.  And he does it all the time!  Who wouldn't love a number not afraid to travel?!  Plus 4 and 8 have a mutual appreciation of 16.  They love to hang out at 16 all the time.  Of course there was that little falling out they had when 8 hung out with 3 and made 4 show up at 24 knowing that 4 would hate to be associated with 3 in any way.  But 4 has agreed to put that behind him, never speaking of it again.  Ever.

5 and 6 is another matter entirely.  If you ask 5 what her problem is with 6 she'll be vague.  "There's just something annoying about her." "She's just somehow full of herself, ya know?" "What's with the full-body lower curve!?  Does she think that's cute or something?"  But the truth is, and most everyone knows it, 5 is jealous of 6.  Well, she's jealous that 3 is so into 6.  To her way of thinking 3 should be way more into her than 6.  I mean, consider the facts: 1) 5 was there for 3 before 6 ever showed up.  2) They're both a little odd.  And 3) if they times each other they hang at 15 which includes a 5 so that has to be like fate or something, right?!  RIGHT?!  So what does he even see in 6.  It makes no sense at all.  And 6 has about had it with 5's antics, like that time they timesed and 5 made them land at 35.  Honestly, who does that?  Who makes everyone hang out at their place EVERY time they get together?!  The other numbers can kind of see 6's point - which is another reason 5 hates 6.  It's like she totally turned everyone against her.

7 is…well 7 kind of freaks everyone out.  She's skinny, like SUPER skinny and a little too into goth and fangs and shit.  Sure they'll hang out with 7 if they have to, but no one likes to times at any of 7's spots.  Not 17, not 37, not 47, or 67, or even 71.  And do not even get them started on 701, 709, 719, 727, 733, 739, 743, 751, 757, 761, 769, 773, 787, or 797.  Those places are just plain creepy.  Like twin-girls-dressed-alike-and-staring-at-you-blankly creepy!  4 respects her, occasionally timsing with her (though some would say that's just to get back at 8 for the whole 24 debacle by making 8 show up - though 4 really resents the accusation.  But, in general, everyone likes to give a wide berth to 7.  Probably for the best, what with all her snakes.

9 doesn't mind her though.  I mean when 9 hangs with 7 they always hang at hang at 16 which if you put together is 7, but when 9 timeses 7 they always hang at 63 which if you put together gets 9!  9 mind = blown!  C'mon it's just so boss, right?!  He doesn't see why they can't all just get along and enjoy the party.  And 9 loves to party.  He likes to party with 1, because 1 times 9 is 9 and what's more fun than 9?!  And 9 times 2 is 18, but if you put those together you get 9…and what's more fun than 9?!  And 3 timing 9?  27.  Put them together? 9!!  All roads lead to 9 baby!  Don't even try and fight it!  Just do it!  Grab your board, grab some waves, and let's ride on to 9!  You can't bring 9 down.  He's at the top of the game every day and he loves every second of it! 

Which of course, 4 thinks is crude. It gives numbers a bad name, they're not a bunch of partiers!  They're serious business with serious and resolute answers.  And shouldn't 0 do something about it before he gives everyone a bad name?!  And shouldn't 0 do something about 3 too?  He's just so annoying!  5 thinks 4 might have a point.  0 really should be more involved because 3 and 6 are totally hanging out, like every day, and maybe they should be told to spend a little time apart, or grow-up or whatever or 0 is going to find herself a grandma before she's ever a double digit.  And 7 obviously has an eating disorder and 0 is doing nothing about that.  And if 0 is going to do anything about anyone maybe first she could talk to 5 about being so damn needy that everyone always has to hang out at her place.  Which actually, 0 kind of totally gets.

It was at this point that my friend asked for the check.  I made her calculate the tip though, because I have never been good at math.

The Double Standard - Preschool Style

The big parent news story over the weekend was all about Sam's Dad and a Princess Sofia DVD.   For those who weren't obsessively checking their Facebook timeline throughout the weekend, the gist of the story was that a man, while standing in line to checkout at his local Walmart, fended off his son's request to buy a Princess Sofia DVD.  Apparently the super busy-body biggot in line behind them commended the man for not buying his son a girl's DVD as it might make him "funny", but in a gay-way, and by "gay" he meant homosexual, and like that was a bad thing.

Photo credit: people.com

Now it's true that Tim Gunn voices a key role in the Sofia franchise, but while he is famous for making-it-work, he  generally can't make-your-son-gay. So, rightfully so, this dad put the hate monger in his place and the lady in line behind them was so delighted with the entire event she bought the kid the Sofia DVD after all.

These are the kind of stories parents love to share with one another because we'd all like to think that, in the same situation, we'd act just like Sam's dad did - both defending our child's right to be who they are, and having the courage of our own convictions in the face of an obvious moron. And definitely kudos are to be given to Sam's dad, if for no other reason than he survived a trip to Walmart with his child. But while I agree with the sentiment behind this news story it brought immediately to mind that if we changed the genders of the key players involved here, there would likely be a very different sentiment.  Because while the hippy-liberal inside us all loves to see a little boy embracing his feminine side, the enlightened erudite in us all thinks a girl that's into princesses is being forced into a feminine-mystique land-mine laden future - she'll probably end up being a stripper and and saying "libary."

Through hand-me-downs, gifts, and sheer force of will, my kid has been able to amass an impressive number of princess costumes, dolls, books, microphones, etc.  Her love for these ladies is what started all this, if you remember (see: Stolen iPhone Adventures - which happened on a Disney Cruise) but it has never been without a certain amount of inner conflict on my behalf.   After all, shouldn't I be encouraging her to eschew these female stereotypes in favor of trying out for Tae Kwon Do?  Isn't the new goal to teach her that girls belong in the board room, not the kitchen...unless the kitchen is the set of her new TV show which is only one small part of her massive lifestyle empire?  If I let her obsession remain unchecked am I condoning an impulse in her to be "just a pretty face?"

This fear was all but confirmed recently when she told me she had a boyfriend now.  She's 4 so to say this came as a surprise would be an understatement.  I was not concerned that she was doing anything of a girlfriend-y nature with this boy, that would just be ridiculous.  But I was concerned that she was already defining herself in terms of how another perceived her - would she now be concerned if that little boy didn't like girls who like math?  Would she worry about that boy liking her outfit or not?  Would she stop playing princess at recess in favor of spider-man, just to spend quality time with him?  Would she not be the amazing little girl I know her to be?

I asked her about the boy and about what they did together and eventually I asked her if the little boy knew he was her boyfriend.  She said yes, because she had told him he was.

And that was that.  She is the boss and what she says goes. How ever those princess stories depict women as prizes to be won, or helpless victims to be saved, or shell-bra wearing half-fish parent-defying morons willing to give up their kingdoms for a boy they saw on a boat 8 minutes ago, these are not the messages my kid is taking to heart. She watches princesses with a grain of salt.  She's able to separate the message from the dresses, if you will.  And while the movies have definitely given her a life-long love of wearing huge skirts that spin endlessly around you when you twirl, even when playing soccer, the point is, she's not letting them define her.

So just as Sam's dad defended his son's right to like Princess Sofia, I will do the same for my daughter. Save your judgmental looks, other modern-day moms, when you see my little princess walking around.  If my daughter wants to put on a little lip gloss, it's so that her verbal derision of your child will sound a little sweeter.  If she makes me do her hair over three times before gymnastics class it's because she wants your kid to be mesmerized by her good looks while she wipes the floor with them in competition.  If she tells you your shoes are not pretty, listen to her because she's spent a lot of time thinking critically about these things and she'll probably be the next Anna Wintour.

Anna Wintour, courtesy of fanpop.com

The Kid a few years ago but already nailing her "Anna Wintour"

All that being said, I'm still not buying her the DVD at checkout because, believe me, I already have 15 other things in my cart that she begged me to get and I'm in a shame-spiral about the non-organic quart of chocolate milk she just pounded.

Thanks Easter Bunny, Bwack Bwack!

A fun-size bag of M&Ms is no big deal to eat.  Even if you're on a diet, there's only like 11 M&Ms in there, so if your mother-in-law sent a bag of the fun size bags of M&Ms there's no reason you shouldn't crack it open and get yourself one.  There's plenty of others in there that you could put in the kids' Easter baskets - which may actually be why your mother-in-law sent them.  Come to think of it, they were in a box of Easter presents for the kids so there's like a 90% chance that's the case.  But seriously what's ONE fun-size bag of M&Ms amongst family?

Actually, even two bags of the fun-size bag of M&Ms is still less than a regular size bag of M&Ms so if you had a second bag, like right now in this seating, it would still be like having one serving and still less than a regular bag which is probably an actual serving anyway.  So go ahead and do that.

If you have some protein with this too then you're really balancing the nutritional content.  So as long as you cook up some chicken to go with it, a third bag of fun-size M&Ms would be fine.  It's all about the glycemic index.  Of course who has the energy to make chicken right now?  You've had a crazy long day - kids, pets, sports, whatever - it's too much to ask you to cook.  Peanut butter has protein in it!  Have peanut butter with your third and fourth bag of fun-size M&Ms.  Sweet Jesus that is good stuff.  They should make peanut butter M&Ms in the fun size bags.  Pack the protein right in there so no one would even need to feel guilty about eating six bags.

Maybe the whole concoction would be good on celery.  Like the classic after school snack, "Bumps on a Log" that utilizes celery, peanut butter, and raisins only now you'd substitute M&Ms for raisins.  That's food-ivating!  That's awesome.  Do that, totally do that with bag seven.  

Oh my God that's actually awful.  Celery and chocolate are not meant for one another.  Vegetables in dessert are never a good idea.  How to get that taste out of your mouth?  Bag eight.  

That has to be enough, though.  This got really out of hand.  Stop eating fun-size bags of M&Ms.  Shame spiral coming.  Here it is.  That was like a movie theater amount of M&Ms.  And after all your hard work dieting?!  What was it for?!  You've totally blown it.  That new dress you were going to wear for Easter?  That's out.  No way you're fitting into that.  You'll probably have to break out your fat-pants.  And those things are huge.  You'd probably have to eat like three more bags of fun-size M&Ms just to be able to keep them up.  Maybe even four more.

So you've eaten a dozen fun-size bags of M&Ms.  So what?  These things happen.  It's not like you have to do this every day.  Of course there's only two more bags in the big bag so it would be silly to leave those.  Just eat those and let's be done with this charade.  The kids can get carrots from the Easter Bunny.