Friday, June 15, 2012

Innapropriate Touching

We here at If You Must Know like to have a good time and joke around but there are two things we don't think are funny at all: 1. Erectile Dysfunction (actually we think that's hilarious) and 2. inappropriate touching. 

If you see a pregnant woman and you don't know her, very well, don't touch her. 

I had an entire other blog planned for today (not exactly written per se...but planned) and it was all together poignant, politically insightful, and knee-slappingly funny.  This was BlogHER award winning.  But you don't get to see it because it has become clear to me that everyone needs a refresher course on expecting-a-baby etiquette.

Three nights ago while on a romantic anniversary dinner with my husband, a table of octegenarian bitches pulled me aside to tell me how cute my baby was.  How cute the baby inside my stomach, invisible to all without hospital grade medical equipment or a very long and languid microscope, was.

Being the closeted bitch I am I politely thanked all of them and made myself available for the inevitable rapid fire question session - as only the never-called back great grandparents of the world can compile.  Is it your first? Are you giving him a family name?  Is your mother so excited? When are you due ----  "WHAT?  Not until the END of August?!  Are you sure you don't have twins in there?!"  At which the table of dusty deserted uterae cackles.

At the Coffee Bean this morning (large decaf english breakfast latte, no sugar added, in case you're wondering) the register lady calls to me through the crowded room "Shaniqua --" (don't ever give baristas your real name, it adds spice to your life) "Shaniqua, when are you due? End of August! Ooooh, really?!"  And now the entire place is staring at my "cute baby."

Go F yourselves.

Whether you're as overt as the sabertooth-tiger-wish-they-were-young-enough-to-be-cougars or as subtle as the the not-even-close-to-being-subtle-can-barely-understand-barista lady, what you're really saying, without saying, is "your gigantic." 

We all know it's not cool to tell people they're fat unless you're on a reality show.  It's not even cool to imply it.  When you say "oh you're just such a small person" what you're obviously not saying is "and that's why you look like bloated gorilla."  When you say "I bet he'll come early" what you're not saying is "because otherwise there's no way the enormity that is your unborn child will be able to fit through your baby hole."  When you say "Oh it's not that bad" what you're not saying is "Wow, it is really bad." 

What you CAN say to a pregnant lady is "___."  Nothing, that's right.  Make as much conversation with her as you do any other stranger waiting in line at the pharmacy with Tucks medicated hemorrhoid pads and a Mars Bar.  My having had unprotected vaginal intercourse was really not meant to be a conversation starter. 

Fine, I'll tolerate a gentle supportive smile or even the occasional "I know how you feel" from a mother of ten waiting in line at the Fro Yo.  But if you come at me with some fantastically funny quip or your meaty little fingers looking to cop a feel, I am going to pregnancy crop dust your table and let my husband play his favorite game where he gently caresses your cheek and then says "What?  I thought we were playing the inappropriate touching game."

Class dismissed.


  1. Oh wow. If not after reading your all other posts, after this latest you just became my new idol.
    And warm, fuzzy greetings from Finland. You are a internet celebrity even in other continent.

    1. I was wondering where that warm and fuzzy feeling was coming from! You're my idol too! Whom shall we sacrifice in your name?

    2. May I suggest Nelson's bird?

  2. Brilliant, simply brilliant. The only other thing you forgot are the people that feel the need to share their pregnancy horror stories with you. I thought this was just something people did to the uninitiated first timers, but no, I was wrong. I got it with every pregnancy. Hearing some terrifying labor experience is NOT a nice thing to do to a woman just about to go through it. Keep it to yourselves and your friends in your mother's group.

    1. I remember this one woman who told me about her kid coming out when the doctor wasn't even in the room! That gave me nightmares!