Sadness, Part 1

My other addiction is shellac manicures.  I'm pretty sure one can't be hospitalized for it so I have no regrets.  For the uninitiated, shellac stays on twice as long and is literally impossible for the average Joe to take off at home.  So to remove it I have to go to the manicure place anyway and what, I'm not going to get another manicure while I'm there?  I'm only human damn it! 

You can even do something like this

I do not.

In any event, today at the nail salon they decided to favor me with the entirety of 1990 worldwide smash hit album MCMXC A.D. by Enigma.  Some of you may not remember this enigmatic album but it featured Gregorian-type chanting and what sounded like people having sex, or at least a lady having sex...

According to Wikipedia the guy who made the album claims it was about unsolved crimes and life after death but anyone who's ever listened to it knows it's about sex and how to have it in a seven song length.  It's practically a step by step guide.  Or at least that's how I used to think of it.

Early in my relationship with hubby (and if my mother is reading, this would be well after we were married), I tried to employ the use of this CD in an evening of extraordinarily over-plotted seduction.  I had listened to it several times and it seemed to me, from foreplay to post-coital cuddle, every element of a perfect rendez-vous could be timed and had with the use of this magical musical escort.

The opening song is 2:21 seconds.  This I timed to the lighting of candles about the room.  It does not take 2:21 seconds to light candles in the bedroom of a small one bedroom apartment in Hollywood.  Things were not off to a great start.

There was a lot of filler then.  Things said that didn't need to be said, like "Oh, did you hear that Jake and Sam broke up?  or "Oh hey, I'm out of milk.  Just so you know for the morning."  The second song then comes on you out of nowhere - it just happens!  And I'm already under or completely over on timing.  Who can tell anymore?  My head is doing math to figure out where I need to be by the time the BIG song comes on but it's complicated by the fact that song two actually has three parts - great, math with fractions.

Song three point two (or two point three) is a blur of elbows and cramps due to lack of stretching.

Song four is titled "Mea Culpa" and honestly is what I should've offered.  The event has gone completely off the rails.  There's heavy breathing and sensual whispers but believe me it's all from the CD and not any actual person in the room as this has turned into third-cousins-in-the-back-of-the-family-barn awkward.

Song five, "The Voice and the Snake" - we skipped that one.

Song six is titled "Knocking on Forbidden Doors" - we definitely skipped that one.

Song seven, or ten depending on if you count sub songs, and I'm still not sure if you should, is called "Back to the Rivers of Belief" and it is also divided into three parts.  It's the last song and three parts is probably good for people who have effectively utilized this CD and are exhausted by the most intense and poetic love-making of their lives.  For the other people, like say me and my unwitting boyfr - er, married to husband - however, a 10:32 running time just lends itself to unfilled silences and uncomfortable glances.  

It wasn't my best work, but hell he married me so maybe I'm just THAT good.  I don't take MCMXC A.D. out of the CD holder all that often anymore.  Planned seduction now comes in the form of dabbing behind each ear with bacon and mentioning I heard the cliff's notes audio version of 50 Shades of Grey that day.


Then I lay back and cue the music