Hey Big Spender

So it's been brought to my attention that in my iPhone Adventures it may have been thought that I was accusing these two ladies of actually being Pirate Hookers.

Please allow me to clarify that I don't think these women are hookers, pirate or otherwise.  They're probably, like Nelson's other friends, nice people.

I was asked on another website if being called a pirate hooker would upset me.  I thought long and hard and the answer is no, no it would not.

Things that upset me are:
having no butter when I've just popped pop corn
traffic for absolutely no reason
Syria
And videos of service men and women returning home to their dogs.  I defy you to watch this with a dry eye - no matter your position on dog ownership.

Just listen to how excited those dogs are!

Sticks and stones and balanced nutrition

Technology has taught me a lot this spring.  I've learned the importance of password protecting my phone, "friending" me on facebook can be considered reaching out for comment by almost any news broadcaster, and that I have no gift for format construction in Blogs (it's legible though so live with it).

I've also really learned that even though it's so abstract, internet content can be powerful beyond measure.  One hundred of my friends telling me in person how much they enjoyed something doesn't outweigh five comments from internet strangers calling me heartless or moronic or "obviously hates pregnant women."  I'm immediately in a fetal position on the couch fighting off recurring dreams of missing the pop quiz in math class, while naked, and with a huge zit on my chin.  So be careful about what you fill your face holes with on the internet, is all I'm saying.

This morning on powering up my ancient computer via hand crank and harvested lightening, I was greeted with a USA Today story about how Beef manufacturers are hoping the BBQ season helps Americans forget about "pink slime."  It was accompanied by a big photo of a pound or so of uncooked ground round.  I don't know where you come out on the meat vs veggie, organic vs processed, or fish for Fridays debates, but I'm pretty sure no one likes the look of a pound or so of raw ground round boring into your ocular memory at 6:30 in the morning.

I'm looking for a way to block all photo imagery from my iGoogle unless I actually click on the headline, though I'm not sure in this case it would've helped.  I enjoy a good headline and one that calls into question American's uncanny ability to like what they like when they like it, processed innards be damned, is up my alley.  Remember, the headlines a few months ago about the national school board's classification of Pizza as a vegetable?!  They used such precise measurements and graphs and footnotes to defend their position when you could tell they just wanted to yell "we can't get your kid to eat any actual vegetables!"

And I'm kind of with them.  Didn't Seinfeld's wife make a fortune on a cookbook that was all about hiding vegetables inside other foods so your kid will eat them?  We all loved that so much we put her on the Today show and told that other woman who claimed it was her idea first to stifle it.

1/4 cup tomato paste is probably at least one tomato, a 1/4 cup of mozzarella cheese has 7.3 grams of protein, the crust is a starch.  If I put a whole tomato in front of my kid she'd laugh her butt off.  Is pizza a vegetable?  No.  It's a complete meal!

Pizza, it's what's for dinner!

And don't give me that tomatoes are a fruit b.s.  We all know a vegetable when we see it.

Why are any of us here?

Without which no future posts would have photo confirmation.

Today the saga seems to be coming to a close.  I had confirmation that I (mostly) got things right in the facebook album and (probably) won't be in any trouble for my shenanigans. And I got a new phone!  Which is a weight off my mind and felt like as good a time as any to try and get you all to move from my Facebook and Twitter (and oddly enough, Pinterest) over to my blog.

What can you expect on this blog?  Well it is without particular categorization - not exclusive cat videos or adorable things my kid said, and it's not all adventures my phone goes on (but if I start to lose readers I'm not above having it stolen again at say IBM or PepsiCo and posting the hilarity that ensues there).  I think mostly it will try to be a humorous look at the way my day has gone and my trying to right the wrongs of the universe. So expect a lot of:

Tirades about people who don't use their blinkers!
What's the deal with airport security?!
and
Look at this video of my kid talking about a cat video!

So feel free to poke around here for a little while.  There are a few older posts and a couple of other pages of truly compelling info on me and FAQs.  I'll give you a taste here so you know what's coming.

Q: Are you going to friend Nelson on Facebook?
A: No, but if he friends me I'll totally accept.

Q: Did you get your phone back?
A: XXX the a XXXXXX! XXX to XXXX is to XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XXX.  XXX are XXXXXX be XXXX, XXXX.  (Response redacted by law enforcement).

Q: Do you care about anyone but yourself?
A:  Of course!  Write me and I will respond, unless you're a dick.

Q: Will you ever take a Disney Cruise again?
A: My kid has already booked her next three spring breaks on a Disney cruise and will be studying under the Disney Princess fellowship this fall.

Of course, if I'm being honest then 99% of you are reading this because of the Facebook album "Stolen iPhone Adventures."  That's fine, maybe I'll be the Bobby McFerrin of comedic commentary on the internet so every 15th post I'll repost the album with one or two new photos or as a slide show set to new music, just so I can bask in the sweet sweet attention again.

So, without further ado, here is the album, plus one eye-patched pirate skull.

This is Nelson.  Nelson has my stolen iPhone.

This is Nelson's Girlfriend.

Apparently she works in the spa.

Nelson likes to take photos of buildings in Mexico with stolen phones.

He also likes to take photos of Cabo San Lucas.

...and his super cool friends.

These are some of Nelson's friends and crewmates on board the Disney Wonder.

Here are some more of his friends...

...gosh they look like a cool group of folks...

...very chill.

Here's the dining room that Nelson likes to eat in.

Here's a bird Nelson needed a photo of.

And here's a beautiful sunset Nelson had time to capture, all on my stolen iPhone.

Nelson also likes to party!  And who's that?  Why that's the co captain of the Disney Wonder!  Sure looks like they had a swell time.

Uh oh.  Nelson's girlfriend does not look happy with him.  I understand the feeling.

Maybe she saw him pose with these two pirate hookers on board the Disney Wonder.  No denying it Nelson, that's your name tag, isn't it?!

I guess she got over it though...

...and went on to celebrate with him and the rest of the Disney Wonder castmembers and my stolen phone.

Cheers to you Nelson!

You are a modern day pirate, like this lifelike skull they have on a family cruise.

And cheers to you Disney Wonder whom Nelson loves enough to photo-document his entire life with, using my stolen phone.

The Pressures of Pinterest

Being an only occasionally gainfully employed producer I have to find ways to pass the time.  Obviously social media plays a large part in filling the gaps for me and while Facebook is certainly....fun...I can also waste hours of time on Pinterest.
Pinterest is where you go to be vaguely dissatisfied with everything you have but clear about everything you want.  It's a WASP's dream website.
So, Tanqueray and tonic in hand, I find myself sifting through pages of "pins" of places I should visit, clothes I need to have, twenty-seven simple steps for easy hairstyles I want, and food glorious food.  Pinterest has taken food porno photos to a new height.  If I click over there right now my home page fills with Stars and Stripes cake pops, fresh fruit popsicles, buttermilk blueberry Breakfast Cake, and (oh, sweet Jesus) Salted Caramel Cheesecake Ice Cream Sandwiches.
My family has just returned from BBQ three as part of a four piece set this weekend.  At yesterday's get together another mom brought the amazing couscous salad that was hotly pinned last week by simply everyone.  It was delicious, and stunning.  Today's affair featured no less than four Pinterest recipes.

Homemade Margarita mix.

Fresh from the home garden bean salad.

Plum Spice Cake (this was eaten in it's entirety in less than ten minutes).

What my "friends" don't seem to understand is that Pinterst is for WANTING not HAVING.  If you show up with Pinterest quality food you're actually being kind of a dick to everyone else who can't rustle up the time or energy to potluck Pinterest style.
That's why I conscientiously bring this to every party I go to:

You're welcome.

A Decent Proposal

If this had been on my photo stream I would've let them keep the phone as a wedding present!

So wonderfully romantic - see, I'm not dead inside honoluluguy56, internet troll.

Congratulations!

Fancy Cars and Movie Stars

So last night the Facebook story was featured in Jimmy Fallon’s monolog. I hear it was also on the Today show yesterday morning and an Australian show with a feature title of “Hey you, get off of my Cloud.” (You’re welcome Apple!)
I’m not sure what made this story so big.  People do bonehead things all the time and so often they’re captured for our internet enjoyment.  This one seems to have some magic combination of bonehead, plus vigilantism, plus sarcasm, plus the beautiful landscapes and waters of Mexico that just made it pure gold.
I would conjecture though that it also took a village.  A village of my friends who certainly love a good bit of gossip and snark and I think really wanted to see me get my phone back so I’d stop complaining about it.
They took the internet like it was their job - their paid jobs, not the passion jobs that put them in a dark theater in Hollywood on Tuesday nights - and they spread the story like wildfire.  I posted the album Monday night and by the time I woke up on Tuesday morning magazines were asking for interviews.  My friends are that good.
One friend who has an incredible number of followers on twitter posted it for me.  She is quite an accomplished author and is thus used to a certain amount of fame and recognition.  A few months back I helped her with a bout of pink eye, being as that’s my area of expertise, so she was all too generous in helping me navigate these waters of notoriety.  She walked me through declining interviews and dodging unsavory types.  I expect next I’ll learn how to get reservations at all the best restaurants and wear sunglasses even when I’m in the grocery store…which I’ll never be in again of course because of my long lasting fame.

See below for her most recent and useful advice.

If you can't make it out it reads:
My friend: How's fame treating you today?
Me: Well I'm currently getting a speeding ticket so apparently some people are not all that impressed my by folk hero status.
My friend: You can get that dismissed in three retweets!

Familial Fallout

My mom heard about the Facebook album while in Turkey giving a number of speeches.  As Ron Burgundy would say, my mother has many fine leather bound books and is kind of a big deal. 

Since we were on the phone I couldn’t see her, but I distinctly heard her half close her eyes and hang her head in exhaustion - either because it was 2:30 in the morning or because she had left the country for a few short days only to have one of her children make an international spectacle of herself on Facebook.
Today one of her partners emailed her that the story had made it into Yahoo’s news feed - the news feed equivalent of Kost 103 FM.  She responded “Thanks.  Katy now has 27 pages of references on Google.”  And I could hear the only somewhat dubious pride.
My dad heard about the Facebook album while in Florida, hanging out.  He responded “I told you your smart mouth was going to get you into trouble, didn’t I?”
 

Dad, 80s style