Thursday, January 24, 2013
You're Welcome Ex-Boyfriend's Wives
Last week Outlawmomma blog did an hilarious post on the emotional turmoil brought on when she googled her husband's ex girlfriend. The woman was amazing, and beautiful, and fashionable, and she had good hair. Your basic nightmare.
I have never done this. My husband only dated exotic Mediterranean women with trust funds before me so I thought it best never to go down this road. I stand by this choice and have lived happily married in blissful ignorance for some years now.
However, when I read OM's post, I couldn't help but think of my ex's wives. Recently two highschool boyfriends "friended" me on Facebook (both of whom were too busy to even be on Facebook until now - busy or held fulfilling lives with their uber wives, who can say?) But perhaps these women noticed their husbands had recently friended some heretofore unmentioned lady and wondered about this stranger. Perhaps they even clicked on the name to check what all the hub bub was about.
And for this, I feel I deserve a wide and loud thank you from all of my exs. For at the very first glance of my online persona you will be greeted by images of me bloated from nine months of pregnancy while pretending to smoke a crayon. That's not going to send any ladies crying into their pillows with insecurity.
You'll then be slammed in the face-holes by, give or take, 362 articles about how an idiot can have her phone stolen on a boat at sea - sort of like losing it inside a locked room where no one can go in or out. That can not be at all intimidating.
If any of these ladies bother to look more - and at this point if they are, they're doing it for comedic fodder for the next dinner party they attend - they can read about the first time I farted in front of my husband, or how I botched a sexual encounter inspired by Enigma, or about how I bought a vibrator for my infant. These are not the things that make a woman jealous. These are the things that make a woman judge her husband in the first place. These are the things that a woman semi-under-her-breath mutters at her husband when he gets cocky and forgets he married up.
So Exs, all those times you didn't buy me flowers after an argument - even though I was so clearly right and you were so clearly wrong? All those missed opportunities for making me a mix tape that would have featured Sade telling me what was really in your heart? All of those unheeded hints about how sapphires are my favorite gem? Well those chickens have come home to roost, boys. I'm not gonna argue at what a missed opportunity you had with me. Let's be honest, you probably dodged a bullet here. But if I don't see some sort of acknowledgment for how easy my sub par self is making it for you all to go on about your day, I just may be tempted to achieve something. I just might go out and make something happen! I just might change out of sweat pants today and really join the movers and shakers of the world!
Message me on Facebook and I'll tell you where I'm underachiever-registered.